Rediscover, Reroot, and Reclaim Identity and Culture
rediscover, reroot, and reclaim identity and culture
Before I begin to document my adventures as Deaf Khmerican diaspora repatriating to the homeland: Cambodia for a year, I figure I’d introduce myself. My name is Leang, and I am a momma to three KODAs, which stands for a kid of Deaf Adult. I also come from a refugee family, who have fled from Cambodia after the Pol Pot regime. I grew up, mainstreamed in public school and became solo mainstreamed in public school starting in the 5th grade. As DDBDDHH* community know, being mainstreamed can be tough. Solo mainstreamed, though, phew. I have struggled with coming to the terms with my own identities - being Deaf and being POC (people of color), only because of the society.
Identity can be a tricky thing. Especially here in the US. Assimilation has always and is still being pushed upon us, especially POC.
I remember that growing up, I have always hated my name. Despite the fact that I grew up in the community of color neighborhood and attended schools that were predominately POC, I have known so many peers who chose to go by their American nickname because most of the teachers often couldn’t or struggled to pronounce their name. “Uhh…how do you pronounce your name?” a new teacher every year would ask me. Every muscle in my body tenses up with irritation. I sigh. “I don’t know. I’m Deaf, and I don’t speak.”
Are you kidding? Me? I’m profoundly Deaf without any speaking capability (don’t assume that all DDBDDHH doesn’t have speaking capability - we all vary). Why would you ask me that?
For a long time, I have hated the name that was given to me at the birth because it didn't fit the culture, where I was born: in America. I tried to come up with an American nickname to go by…that would fit me. I longed to be the ideal American, erasing everything that was part of my identity all because of the fear: to be labeled FOB (fresh off the boat) and the sense of urge…of importance to assimilate from the society. This is why I tell people that it is so easy for a culture to get erased here in America. As I have embarked on this journey toward self-actualization, I am learning to love myself and the identities that I have been born with. Now, I cannot imagine myself to be anyone but Leang.
rediscover, reroot, and reclaim identity and culture
So, to make a long story short, basically, all of my life experiences have led to this decision - repatriate to Cambodia for a year. This is something that I have always wanted ever since I first visited Cambodia at the age of 15 years old. This was long before the popularity of tourism hit the country. I still remember when their international airport was this very tiny one-story building that only contained the visa entry and luggage, without a parking lot. The only way we could get off the plane was walking down the stairs and walked to the main building to get our visa and luggage. I remember as we walked out of the airport, a large crowd of hungry Khmer children covered in dirt running and surrounding me, holding their hands out begging for any change I could spare. That was the moment where I first awoke and realized my own privileges. That first trip was one of those life-changing moments for me, personally. I have always told myself since then, that I would be back and live in the country for a long term, however long that would be. I had many dreams. What I didn’t realize at the time that though I had a rough childhood, I would still face a long road of obstacles in front of me.
at 15 years old….I was still naive and full of hopes.
I am 35 years old now. I decided to take this leap because I still carry this hope that this once in a lifetime experience will give me access to more understanding for my own culture. My access to the understanding of cultural norms has been limited. This is because of communication barriers at home, at school and in the community. Even with ADA laws, there are still videos on the Internet without closed captioning. This cut the access to the wealth of knowledge, regards to my culture. I often witness hearing people raving about how the Internet has opened up a new world, where the communities connect easily. Every video relating to Southeast Asian issues playing without closed captioned as I scroll down on my newsfeed, my heart is stung thousands of time with disappointment and rejection. It devastates me because while yes, my access to the understanding of cultural norms is LIMITED, my learned behavior and beliefs still came from my own cultural norms. Without accessibility, I am left aching to be included, to be acknowledged, to be recognized and to be accepted. As disabled POC with accessibility needs raising in a culture, we had a lot to navigate through.
I remember as a kid…as a child of refugees…I always have felt that my home was another world, and I always knew that outside my home, the world was different. The way my family behaved, gestured, spoke, cooked, eat and dressed. It was different than what I have seen at my school, and anywhere else besides my home and the community I grew up in. I found myself struggling with cultural clashes, because I have grown accustomed to my cultural customs at home, but at the same time, I was trying to blend in at the school.
The truth is, I was trying to navigate through cultural clashes. Trying to survive assimilation. No, trying to survive colonization.
With that being said, I decided to pursue reroot. My roots have been so tainted with self-hate and shame. The result of colonization. After 35 years, I have slowly rediscovering who I am - Deaf Khmerican who is trying to learn about herself, and devotes to raise her three children. This is how I came to decide to reroot for myself and our children - living in Cambodia for a year to gain more understanding of my own culture without the oppression and the pressure to assimilation. Due to communication barriers and lack of incidental learning opportunities as a Deaf person, sometimes this causes a barrier to understanding the dynamics of my own family and of my own Khmerican community back home. So my hopes of repatriating to Cambodia as Khmerican diaspora, it’ll help me to clean up my roots and reroot. For self-love. For self-empowerment. For self-actualization.
I do want to acknowledge the privilege of being able to do this. I have come across so many articles, posts, and/or tweets about how easy it is to fund your travel. I disagree with this. Though my husband and I are considered lower middle class, I do have access to the family support system where instead of paying our rental housing, we get to live with my family rent free. Not everyone has this option. Some of our possessions have values. So again, what possessions do we own? For instance, one traveling family I enjoy following has made a statement about how they were able to afford a year of traveling on the funds they obtained from selling their Range Rover alone. Not everyone owns a luxury car. My point is that, although I am very excited to document our adventures here, I want to emphasize the importance of not turning my adventures into porn inspiration. I hate that porn inspiration, re disability and living - “OMG you’re so brave and strong, just by getting out of bed.” We don’t need the world applauding us for every basic thing we do, and that includes navigate globally. If anything, we should be outraged at the society for not redesigning itself to be inclusive for all. I also hope that no one will take my reality, and force it to fit into everyone’s reality. “But but but, look at that Deaf Khmerican woman who found a way to budget for traveling/living overseas long term, so there is no excuse for YOU to not be able to do it too!” I am only able to do this because of certain privileges I have. I own a US passport, which not everyone has or able to afford it. For some, the fee for US passport meant a month of food. While I hope you will enjoy reading about my adventures, I hope you will be more sensitively aware.
Goodbye, US of America.
Kampuchea, your Deaf Khmerican diaspora is coming home.
DDBDDHH* = Deaf, DeafBlind, DeafDisabled, and Hard of Hearing